I have fucking insane dreams.

Paris Hilton and a purple gorilla called Baba Yaga 

I was at a wedding reception. I don’t recall anything about whose wedding it was except that there was a massive wedding cake on the stage. Paris Hilton was in the audience. She looked a little different - almost like she has some of Nicole Ritchie’s features. 

Paris suddenly ran onto the stage. She was going to run into the cake, but it disappeared and she ran straight into the wall. She fell over backwards in a somewhat comical manner. My vision, which took on the feel of a camera, slowly panned to downwards to the left to her black glasses which were on the table where the cake was. 

There was another part where Paris was standing on a small ledge just above the ocean. I don’t remember much of it though. It was surrounded by beautiful tropical plants. She was doing some takes in front of a camera. She was making weird noises and faces. It was actually quite spectacular to watch. She was really good. Again, she looked totally different, like she was Nicole Ritchie. 

The dream then cut to a random lady swimming just below Paris. I was now in the ocean looking at everything beneath the surface. A huge manta ray-like creature was chasing fish to eat them. It had two mouths. The bigger one opened to reveal a smaller but identical mouth which could stretch out a bit further. Both mouths were lined with teeth, which shredded the fish as it caught them. The fish the became birds and the ray became a black crow. It was chasing them through the trees. I can’t remember any more of that dream. 

Then I was in a tree at the foot of a grassy hill. A camera crew was below me trying to get me to come down. The trees branches were black and dry, but I was able to climb to the top of the tree fairly easily. I got entangled in the branches. I feel like Brad Pitt was below, beckoning me to come down. I wouldn’t. Out of the corner of my eye, Paris came rolling down the hill. I think she was yodeling or something like that. 

Back to me. 

The crew started to climb the tree to get me down. I lodged myself up in the very top branches. I remember stepping back a little and a branch broke. It refocused my determination not to come down...to escape. 

I spied a thick branch that I thought I could swing off to I don’t know where from. But as I started to swing, a massive toy gorilla grabbed me from underneath. I think the gorilla was purple. Its name was written on its chest: Baba Yaga.

I'm a Nancy Boy 

Last night, I dreamt that my former French lecturer, Giuditta, and I worked for Nancy Pelosi. She took us with her on a trip to Durban, I think. We were at my home in Durban and Nancy went into my bedroom whilst Giuditta and sat in the lounge chatting. I was telling Giuditta that you do not mess with Nancy. She will take you out. 

Nancy was in my room for a while and when I went in, I saw that she was organizing all my recycling. I told her not to and that I would do. She stormed out in a huff and said she couldn’t believe I keep my recycling in my room. I told her that I don’t want to have to go to the bins every time I need to throw something away, so I keep it there until I’ve got a lot. We got into an argument about it and Nancy swiftly rounded on me and said she’s sending me back to Washington, D.C. I pleaded with her not to but she refused to budge. I eventually gave up and tried to be civil towards her in the hopes she would change her mind. But it didn’t work. We were actually really nice to one another. She acted like it was nothing that I’d been home barely a few hours and was already having to go back. She put me on a DHL plane as well. 

At some point, I’m not sure if Nancy became a cat or the cat was hers, but a ginger kitty arrived. Giuditta was feeding him sandwiches and Nancy laughed and said that she’s just trying to get on Nancy’s good side by feeding the cat. Giuditta smiled, looked at me, and said, “well it’s working.” 

We drove to the airport on the seashore in an open top land rover. We stopped to do some sight seeing and Nancy jokingly rolled her eyes and tutted every time I tried to be nice to her to get her to change her mind. 

The dream stopped there.